Back In The Saddle (side title Handling The Addiction)

So this has been a great week.  I dropped 4.2 pounds (SCORE)!   I also am transitioning into the smaller sizes.  I have to say that this feels fantastic.  I’m wearing clothes that I haven’t worn in over 3 years. I think the best part will be when I send all the “fat clothes” to charity.  

I’m in a purging kind of mood.  That is that I feel the need to clean out crap in my life.  I’ve been starting with clothes.  Next it’s onto going through drawers and getting rid of stuff that’s just wasting space.  Then it’s onto cleansing my mind and body.  

You see for years I’ve been plagued with depression, anxiety, bitterness and hopelessness.  This was part of the reason I turned to food in the first place. I know you’ve heard this said a million times (especially when watching “My 600 Pound Life”), “When I’m eating I feel better”.  That is true in that moment.  An hour later you feel like garbage. At the end of the day, the only thing binging on food is going to do is make you gain so much weight that you get health problems.   Eventually it will kill you.  

Now everyone reaches a breaking point in their addiction (yes food is an addiction). Mine was about a little over a year ago when I had a health scare and thought that I was going to have a heart attack at any point in the near future.  So I call my doctor in a panic and do a battering ram of tests, which included the treadmill test.  At the end of the treadmill test (which lasted 7 minutes), I was pretty much carried to the examination table. 

I was so embarrassed (this is an understatement). When I was at my best I was at the gym a minimum of 4 times a week for at least a half hour.  Now I can’t last 7 minutes and have to be escorted to bed.  I never felt so pathetic in my life as I did in that moment.  

It was at that point that I decided that enough was enough.  I didn’t want to drop dead of a heart attack at 35 years old. I didn’t want to see the fat man in that mirror.  I didn’t want to keep living a lie.  I didn’t want to keep feeling sorry for myself.  I decided it was time to take action.  

So I started back at Weight Watchers just after New Years 2016 for the umpteenth time.  What was different about this time was that I made myself a couple of promises:

1. I was going to take my time and take each loss (or gain) as it came.  That is, I wasn’t going to set myself up to lose 20 pounds by a certain date and then beat myself up for not losing one week. 

2. I was not giving up no matter what.  This will be the last time I start my Weight Watchers journey.  This will be my lifestyle for the rest of my life.  

3. I would celebrate not only the losses on that scale but the victories beyond the scale.  

Now this in no way has been easy.  I struggle every day.  The most important thing is that I remember how good I feel and how great it feels to put on a pair of pants I haven’t worn in 3 years because I didn’t fit in them.  This above all else keeps me motivated to keep going. 

Until next time my friends.  

Self Image

A few weeks ago I was in line to weigh in for my meeting and someone commented that I looked like half the person I was when she saw me last. I, of course, thanked her for the compliment. A few days later some co-workers said the same thing. Again I thanked them for the compliments. 

What I find funny is that I don’t see the difference. I can feel the difference in the fact my clothes are looser and I’m starting to get into smaller sizes. Yet when I look into that mirror, I’m not seeing what everyone else sees. That is to say, I see the same Will from 30 pounds ago.  

Sadly, I’m plagued with self diagnosed body dysmorphic disorder. Add on to that the stigma of being made fun of in childhood for being the heavier kid. As a result, no matter what anyone will say, I will always see the almost 300 pound man that started this weight loss journey some time ago.  

I do wish that I could see what you all do. However, I can’t. Years of being “fat shamed” has taken its toll on me. It’s a lot for me to just say “thank you” for compliments without adding “but…”. I take my victories in other ways. The way wearing a pair of jeans one size smaller feels amazing. The fact that you can put your “fat clothes” in a box is an awesome feeling. That’s what I see the victory in the war. The visual, not so much.  

Until next time friends.  

The Struggle Continues

It’s been a rough week. I went up .8 and I’m pissed. Especially since I walked 5 miles Friday.   

I look over my week and I noticed that I was not keeping track and just blindly eating. In that respect I guess it’s good that I did that damage control.  

This ended up being a week of a combination of indulgences and cockiness. 

I’m trying to stay on program this week but am struggling. Fortunately I will be back to my normal routine tomorrow. 

On the plus side, I can fit into a smaller pair of jeans.  SCORE!!!!

Great January, Rough Start to February

I must say that January was a fantastic month for my weight loss journey.  I lost 11 pounds which is awesome.  However February got off with a rough start with a slight gain of 1.6 lbs.  I expected this since I went off program and stress ate.  

In the past, I’d kick myself and feel discouraged.  However this time, I didn’t do that. This time, I decided to have my moment and then rise up and keep going forward.  Losing that 11 pounds and getting the compliments I’ve gotten have really inspired me.  I think this time I’m not giving myself such grand expectations.  What I mean is that in taking this journey on Weight Watchers this time, I’m taking everything one day at a time and be proud of any successes.  

Until next time friends. 

January Recap

Well we’re at the end of January. I’m glad to say that it’s in the month of January I’ve lost roughly about 10 pounds or so. It hasn’t been easy, but I did it.

I noticed that I have have lots of obstacles in my journey.  Mainly it’s stress. Sad to say that last night I ended up stress eating and I’m kicking myself for it. I know it’s wrong but somehow when I’m stressed out I just end up going directly to the food. It annoys the hell out of me since I work so hard to lose the 10 pounds and I feel so much better why in the hell do I want to just throw all that away eat a whole pizza and gaining it all back and not fitting into clothes that I like and feel looser on me. Never mind the fact that I feel better physically and mentally. 

My hope is for February that I continue to lose more weight since I have a whole lot more work to do. I want to get back to the gym and try to get back to my usual routine of working out 4 to 5 times a week. Sadly this was curtailed when I had a bad car accident and messed up my back. I’m not gonna let that stop me this time. I try to walk during my lunch hour around my parking lot which if I walked the whole length it’s about a mile and a half.

My end goal is to number one lose another 10 pounds by my birthday on March 5. Number two I want to be at my goal weight by the summer so that I can look better in a bathing suit. I know if I put my mind to it I can accomplish it. Now it’s just getting to that right frame of mind.